Parents ask me all the time if I think their child has what it takes to play at the college or professional level. They are asking if I think their kid has enough talent. My reply:

“How much are your kids willing to suffer?”

In mid March, I had the privilege of attending the NCAA Men’s Frozen Four, which is the final four for NCAA ice hockey, as a guest of the Missouri Youth Hockey Association. After a wonderful day long workshop with some colleagues from USA Hockey, we attended an entertaining final in which Western Michigan defeated Boston University 6-2. It was a thrilling end to end game that was very close until the final moments when Western Michigan scored two empty net goals. And as the final buzzer sounded, at the two ends of the ice, you had the ultimate picture of contrasting emotions.

On one end, Western Michigan celebrated their first ever national title in the 50th year of the program. It was a deserved win, as they played a fantastic game, the culmination of an excellent season in which they only lost four times. The joy and jubilation on the faces of the players, coaches, and staff was apparent to everyone in the arena. Their fans, whom filled 80% of the seats, were raucous in their celebrations. The families shed tears of joy. In those moments, you could see the athletes, their parents, and their coaches release so much emotion after years upon years of heartache and hard work, trying to achieve a national title. It was beautiful.

At the other end of the spectrum, and the ice, were the players from Boston University. They took a knee, skated slowly and consoled each other, shed some tears and watched Western Michigan celebrate as they awaited the game’s final handshake. They had put in similar amounts of work and dreamed for years only to fall a few moments short of a title. In that moment, to come so agonizingly close, you just feel so many emotions well up. As the coaches consoled their seniors and encouraged their returning players, you could feel what a tough moment it was.

And yet here is the thing. In order to feel the jubilation on the Western Michigan end of the ice, you have to risk feeling the deep disappointment that the Boston University players felt in that moment. You have to, to paraphrase Teddy Roosevelt, dare greatly, so your place will never be among the timid souls that know neither victory nor defeat. You have to be willing to endure and suffer and struggle, and be willing to come up short again and again, and be OK with it. That is the champions journey, knowing that you might never reach the pinnacle, but willing to risk it all on the journey.

I write this because all too often I see well intentioned parents trying to protect their children from feeling that deep disappointment of the Boston players, while at the same time believing that their kids can have a sporting journey that only ends like it did on the night for Western Michigan. This is such a fallacy. This is such a disservice to children and young athletes. Trying to protect them from failure and struggle, and only have them experience success does not happen, ever. Sure, you might get away with it for a while, remove a few troubling coaches who make it hard on your child, and hopping from club to club or school to school in search of the well paved path, but reality eventually punches you straight in the nose.

Most athletes will not ever achieve their true potential, because the thought of suffering and discomfort frightens them. Some just do not like being out of their comfort zone. Far too many have been coddled by their parents and protected from failure. Others have had coaches who let them give less than their best because they were a 12 year old star. When a coach got tough, these players were used to backing off. When they encountered adversity, their parents stepped in and intervened, instead of using it as a teachable moment. When given the choice of whether to embrace suffering, or pull back, these athletes often chose the easy path. That is why they will not make it.

For those who are worried that such disappointment will permanently will damage your child, I assure you that it won’t if you fulfill your role as a parent and help them see the sporting journey for what it really is. In his great new book Win the Inside Game, author Steve Magness outlines three areas that we can help our athletes excel in so that they can experience both the highs and lows of the sporting journey. They are:

1. Know yourself: clarity about who you are and an identity not solely attached to a sporting outcome
2. Clarity of purpose: know your why, and have a larger purpose than winning. Victory can be the goal, but if it’s also your purpose you will eventually lose yourself in the pursuit and iss the true meaning of sport.
3. Belonging: not just fitting in, but true belonging on a team that allows for imperfections, mistakes, and failure, and is bonded by love of one another no matter what the outcome.