We have all been there. A tough match. A difficult result. You feel terrible, and then you get the dreaded phone call or email:

“I need to talk to you about the behavior of parents on the sideline today. They were yelling at the young referee, and coaching the kids on every play. There was even an argument with our parents and the opposing team.”

I have been involved in coaching for over 3 decades, and when things are not going well I almost dread opening my email or looking at my phone. Because instead of taking a deep breath, digesting what just happened, and using a tough game as a learning opportunity, far too often you hear stories of sideline misbehavior, harsh words to an official, or worst, a sideline confrontation. We work so hard to help our athlete improve, and be a good role model for them, and then the C.A.V.E. people strike. But who are the CAVE people?

I heard this term when I was recently reading a fantastic new book by Gilbert Enoka, the mental skills coach for the New Zealand All Blacks rugby team called Become Unstoppable. He refers to research done by the Ritz Carlton group on their teams, and cites their research that every group is made up of three types of people:

• 32% of people are superheroes. They show up early, stay late, buy into the mission, and do everything they can to take the group forward.
• 50% of people are undecideds. Some days they are great, others not so much. They have good days and bad days, but are not alwasy on board.
• 18% of people are C.A.V.E. people
  • Constantly
  • Against
  • Virtually
  • Everything

Constantly against virtually everything. Every parent education event. Every suggestion from the club. Every piece of information that will help them to help their kids. Not interested, because they know better.

I have found a similar group dynamic amongst teams I have coached, and their parent groups, as well as clubs I have run. I think the 18% is a little high for the number of CAVE people, but its around 10%. They are the people with little patience, treat every game and week like its an emergency, are in a hurry for their child to grow up, make the A team, commit to a college, and more. Oftentimes  it is their first kid in sports (versus those whose youngest is playing and they realize what the journey is all about.) Worse, a small percentage of them are toxic on the sidelines, coaching the players, yelling at referees, and making a nuisance of themselves by putting personal agendas over what is good for the team or club.

CAVE people make many coaches and program directors want to find a new career. And sadly what we do about them is usually the wrong approach.

I have been there, and spent tons of time and emotional energy stressing and getting angry at the CAVE dwellers. I woke up dreading their emails, and went to bad checking my email waiting for the bad news. i tried to force them to change, and in doing so I misse dou ton huge opportunities, because there is a much better way.

As our friend Skye Eddy from SoccerParenting.com says, “we need to stop letting the small percentage of bad parents discourage us from engaging with the good parents.” And this is exactly correct. Instead of spending our time and energy on the CAVE people, we should be spending it on the undecideds. We should be filling their buckets, giving them lots of healthy ways to support their kids, behave on the sidelines, and show respect for officials.  We should be doing everything we can to turn those middle 50% into superheroes. Why?

Because then it is more difficult to act like a CAVE person. To yell and scream and coach. To cause issues. To berate officials. Because they stand out, look foolish, people move away from them, and they isolate themselves. And then as a coach or club director, you step in an give them the ultimatum: behave appropriately or move on. You will lose people, that I promise you. But your club will be better for it, your team will be better for it, and your health and well being will be better for it. And so will the kids.

Now I understand that there are coaches in clubs and schools who are CAVE people, never willing to learn something new or consider a different way to coach or reach today’s kids. And there are definitely clubs and boards that are as well. regardless of who is at fault, we lose more kids every year because of the CAVE people, and we must do better. And in no way am I saying we should condone bad behavior ever. We must confront it. But in order to change it, confrontation does not always work, especially if you are not in a position to remove them from the team.

So go after the undecideds. Educate them, Engage them. Empower them.

And shine a light on those in the CAVE, and tell them to get with the program, or get on your bike. Our kids deserve better.